Am I glad you got here!!

I am relieved that you arrived, finally. It was probably a very long flight, especially going through a few transits and plane changes because there is no direct flight here from your country. I was told that this particular problem is being look into this very moment, even as you walk toward the exit of the airport. I hope that you will not regret for putting yourself through all these troubles to get here, especially after you went against your spouse’s choice of another holiday destination.

There is a centre for the Mediation of Quarrelling Couples on the sixth floor of the airport terminal; it shares the same entrance as the Quick Divorce Centre. Beside these two, you can also find a florist (can’t remember the name) and a chocolatier by the name of iBerrySoli. Appointments are needed for the mediation centre, except for those who have already whipped out their pocket knives.

I will not welcome you to Malaysia. This is the job of the people who are entrusted with that task and I do not want to deprive them of their jobs. The stewardess at the aircraft door when you stumbled out of the plane; she should have welcomed you. The gentleman in semi-uniform at the boarding gate; he should have welcomed you. The guest-worker janitor, inside the first toilet that you dashed into; he should have welcomed you. The bored salesgirls at the duty-free; they should have welcomed you. The ever so eager barista at StabBack Coffee; she should have welcomed you. The mumbling immigration office who stamped your passport; he should have welcomed you. The custom officers who gave you your body cavity search; they should have welcomed you. Last, but not least, the taxi tout at the exit gate; he should have welcomed you, too.

If, you are welcomed by all of the above people, then, please check that you have indeed landed at the right airport, KLIA (clea). On the other hand, if you did not receive a welcome greeting and that you felt somewhat cheated, I suggest that you make a complaint to the “Tourists Welcoming Committee”. Visitors and Euro-laden tourists are accorded with all the rights to rant in this country.

You will do well to complain about it, since the welcome you’ve got was not even closed to what was depicted on the “We Welcome You” tv commercial. There is a link on the side-bar of this page (below that fascinating clickable ad) to where you can direct your rant at. If you are not a Caucasian male or female, then please fill in your name as John Smith or Jane Smith. I can only say that some names have the abilities to move things faster than others. Is it science? Is it black magic? I don’t know, so don’t ask me!
Please do not fill in your name as John Doe or Jane Doe because they will mistake you for an agent from CSI, writing to inquire about a missing body. If you are a Caucasian male with a name such as Abdul Jabir Bin Mohamed or similar, please also fill in your name as John Smith. Fill in your profession as Real Estate Agent – Super Class. Fill in, in very simple English, the purpose of your visit as; looking to buy big plots of land in the Free Trade Zone of Port Klang. Once you have correctly submitted your complaint, don’t be surprised that by the time you get to the airport exit, there is already a limo waiting for you..... to take you to Port Klang.

Please be aware that even though I think in perfect English, this guide is entirely written in Russian. The assiduous translation is entrusted to a very capable and industrious translator, my sister-in-law. She has recently completed a 3 years, night class course of English for Translator and has passed with extremely high flying colours. Prior to this, she was an aircraft cleaner and a housewife. She is presently unmarried and lives in a suburb with her invalid mother. With this in mind, should you find sentences or paragraphs that are utterly incomprehensible, it can only mean that it is all due to the shortcomings of the ...writer.

This is my first posting and there will be more to come. I have very good intimate, first-hand and even second-hand knowledge of this beautiful and exotic country and I will continue to share them with you in due time. There will be, soon to come, my very own ParodiePedia, with updated entries of words and phrases from this country, some of which even the local can’t understand.

So, please drop by again for the next posting. Datang. Jangan tak datang!

Dr. Ollie A. Parodi